Babies

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the act of child-rearing.  I'm starting to come to accept that if I have a child, it will be intentionally.  I'm just not going to be able to fall into it by accident.  I'm going to have to make the decision to take medicine and then be in close proximity to my husband, or I'm going to have to fill out paperwork to procure an existing child from somewhere in the world.

I've never been the girl who wants children, which I think makes this realization hard to accept.  I always thought, "Well, if it happens I'll do it but if it doesn't, I guess I just won't."  There have been years where I've been all "I should get my tubes tied.  There is no way."  There are still days when I feel that way.  Those days really only started to come less frequently when my nephew was born and my ovaries were all "LOOK AT THE BAAAAABYYYYYYY!!!"

So basically, I'm still on the fence, and I know that I'm going to actually have to hop off of it - I can't be pushed off by a sudden unexpected invasion of my uterus.  (Thanks a lot for not working, ovaries.)  This is terrifying. 

So I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for that leap, should I decide to make it.  And in that, I've been thinking about the various parts of having a child.  I spent a week or two thinking about bodily fluids, and how I totally puke when other people (or my cats) do, and how the smell of poo makes me gag horribly, and remembered that one time when the cat sharted on my chest while he was sleeping.  I spent another week pondering the concept of being pregnant, and how that would completely break my brain because I'm such a huge hypochondriac.

So this week, I'm on teaching, and its scarier even than sharting.  I've been trying in the past year or so to really open up my mind and expand my horizons and just generally be a better person to those around me and those I don't know. I feel like it's working?  I feel a lot more compassion and love than I used to.  But it's really bringing out the terror of trying to pass this openness on to someone else. 

How do you teach a child that they own their own person and no one can touch it without their permission, but then justify the kinds of touching that parents must do whether the child likes it or not (like bathing)?  How do you teach a girl to own her sexuality and express that in a way that she is comfortable with, but limit it in an age-appropriate way that doesn't teach her to be ashamed of herself and that boys can do what they want but she can't? How do you neutralize gendered toys in a way that doesn't accidentally push your kid too far the other direction?  How do you teach a child to be open and accepting of all religions and cultures without accidentally appropriating a culture that you're not a part of? And further, how do you teach a young person to be open and accepting of all people, regardless of what they look like, how they believe, and what they do, while still teaching them to stand up against people who believe in limiting the rights of others? Especially when some of those people are in their own extended family?

These are the ridiculous things that go through my head when I think about this.  I almost envy the people who can get unexpectedly pregnant.  It's hard to choose to have a child when there's so much that could go wrong, that will go wrong.  So much responsibility.  How do I decide to do that?