On being fat but also not fat at the same time

I'm...I dunno, fat I guess? I technically weigh a lot of pounds and I wear a size that most stores don't carry, so that makes me categorically fat.  I think. 

The problem with that label is that I can't see it.  Almost ever.  I literally look in the mirror and do not see a fat person.  (The only time I can see it is when I'm sitting facing a mirror while wearing a tight shirt, or am naked looking at my profile.)  This isn't a matter of having great self-esteem or total body acceptance or anything like that - I'm usually painfully aware of the amount of space I occupy and am never comfortable with that.  It's just that my brain apparently doesn't equate "takes up a lot of space" with "fat". 

I'm really not explaining this well.  When I look in the mirror, or when I picture myself in my head, I see a normal sized person, and I'm pretty sure it's a person that wears like, a size 12.  It drives me nuts, because I want to have a proper mental picture of myself, and I can't find it. I stare at people on the street trying to find a person that's the same size as me, and I never can.

It seems like a good problem to have, to not focus on your flaws, but it's not.  It makes it easier to ignore huge (punny!) problems, and that's not good.  I'm aware that I need to weigh less pounds, for health reasons, but since I don't usually see problems when I look in the mirror, it's easier to ignore that fact and eat some more cookies.

The problem with my mental picture is - how do I fix this?  I mean, everything people say involves learning to accept yourself no matter what size you are.  My problem is that I'm too accepting of me, and I think I look completely fine even when I don't.  Maybe it's a matter of getting rid of some of my self-esteem...except I'm already painfully insecure about my size.  I just can't see that size in a mirror.

This entry is extremely babbly and doesn't make any sense and doesn't have a point.  I'm trying to remember what I was thinking about when I started it...oh, it had to do with the fact that the more I wear dresses, the more comfortable I am with shorter ones, and then I went off into body acceptance and then I started thinking about how I'm too accepting and then this happened.

But really what I was going for is: Look at my thighs, guys.  I don't care.