Sunday, March 23, 2014

What a slow process.



July 24th, 2013 was the day that I decided to explore Judaism for serious.  (As opposed to my previous explorations, which were at best half-hearted and mostly revolved around trying to figure out if I should find a nice Jewish boy to marry and also if Brian was secretly Jewish because I mean seriously have you seen him?)

It's now 8 months later, and I'm finally almost ready to START converting.  The last 8 months have been a process of deciding if I want to convert, spending some time immersing myself in Judaism, and studying history, lifestyle, and law, and generally waffling back and forth over whether or not I should.  Now, I've just sent off an email to my rabbi's assistant, indicating that I'd like to meet with him and actually begin.  If he lets me, which honestly I'm still not sure he will, this process will take probably another year.

I hadn't been to services in a month, and somehow along with that I hadn't done anything Jewish - no books, no candles, no Shabbat dinner, nothing, and I felt bland.  But then I went to services on Friday night and sang along and amazed myself by knowing the words to Lecha Dodi.  I got home and discovered a package from my also-converting friend Jamie with a hand-crocheted kippah in it. Today I went to the Kosher Kroger for the first time, and I just felt happy.  I wanted to try all the things and buy all the things and make a kosher dinner.   I just feel...energized now.

There was a big crowd at services on Friday - Bar Mitzvah AND a Bat Mitzvah - and I sat next to an older lady, Marilyn, that I've sat with before.  She comes with her mother, who cracks me up, because she starts making fun of the "ch" sound whenever things get "too Hebrew", as she puts it.  Her daughter gives her a stern look and she always goes "I'm just clearing my throat."  I want to be BFFs with this 80+ year old woman, guys.  Marilyn invited me to a Women's Intergenerational seder next week, which I'm excited for.  I want to meet more people, and this seems like a good way to do so.

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On a related but different note, there's something else that's been weighing on my mind.  Over the past 8 months, as I've been studying, I've started to recognize the huge gap between Judaism and Christianity.  Prior to this, I've always felt like Christianity was just an extension of Judiasm - taking the original religion and expanding it, dropping some things and picking up others - much like the difference between Mormons and Catholics. Obviously that was just terribly wrong, and I'm kind of relived that I finally recognize that.  Christianity, the religion I was raised with, feels completely alien to me now. (Don't get me started on how odd the concept of Jesus is to me.)  The concept of original sin, and the requirement of "salvation"...those are things I never have to worry about or even think about again.

I have this tiny book - Why Be Jewish - and there was a passage in it that keeps sticking with me:
Judaism sees human beings as the measure of all things.  We have mixed within us the varied and contradictory characteristics of all creation.  Judaism does not look on human beings as essentially sinful.  Original sin, the view of classical Christianity since Paul and Augustine, eems to condemn us to lose the game before we begin.  In this view, all human beings are born sinners, and only unearned grace can save them.  In the Jewish tradition, each of us writes his or her own personal moral slate.  We do not begin life with an unpayable debt.  At each moment we make a moral choice.  Our lives are the sum of our actions, tempered by our intention, limited by our endowments, ennobled by our faith. 
 This is such a relief.  To not have to live under the burden of thinking that you're doomed to be this horrible terrible person without religion....it's so freeing.  It's such a realistic and positive view of life - I'm never going back.

I'm going to go read now, I think.  I've got a backlog of Judaism books and I really want to catch up. Gots to capitalize on this energy while I've got it.