Sunday, July 12, 2015

Learning from Terror

Yesterday I had the worst panic attack of my life so far.  Now that I'm feeling better, I'm trying to find the positives in feeling like I was about to die for an hour and a half.

We took my nephew to the zoo yesterday, and it was fun.  He liked the giraffes and the little fish, and he didn't like the penguins or the really big fish.  I drank lots of water and wore sandals against my better judgement, so by the time we were ready to leave, my feet were hurting pretty badly, but I felt okay otherwise.

As we were walking out to the car, my stomach started to feel a bit upset, probably due to the fact that I ate chicken tenders for lunch instead of like, you know, anything else which would have been better for me.  (Looking back, I honestly think this whole thing would have been avoided had this feeling come on sooner, before we'd left the zoo, and I could have used the restroom.  I feel like 90% of my regular panic attacks start because of an upset stomach.  For some reason they always make me dizzy, which sets off the panic.)

As we got closer to the car, I started to freak out a little, feeling like I was going to puke or faint or both.  I got in the car and tried to breathe and drink water, and we set off for my parent's to drop Hiro off.

Then things got really, really bad.  I think I was maybe more dehydrated than I'd realized, and thinking that made me feel like I was about to die for sure.  My head had either too much pressure or an utter lack of pressure in it (a mix of panic and dehydration), my arms, legs, and lips were tingling and wouldn't stop (panic), and I still had an upset stomach and nausea (lunch, with a sprinkle of panic).  I completely lost it.  Poor Brian had to be in the car with me for an hour as we drove to Sunbury, with me INSISTING that we needed to stop and go to an Urgent Care or an Emergency Room RIGHT NOW so I could live.

Eventually, I managed to push the worst of the panic at bay, and worked on accepting what was happening, enough for me to allow Brian to stop at a CVS and get me a Powerade, in case I needed me some electrolytes (What Plants Crave.)  I basically put my head down and let the feelings wash over me, practicing observation without judgement, and kept thinking "the absolute worst that could happen is I slip into a coma, which Brian will notice and take me to a hospital."

We got to my parent's house, and I limped inside, literally.  My legs and arms were still weak and tingly and it was kind of hard to walk (panic with a sprinkle of dehydration).  I went immediately to the bathroom and took a brief shower. The shower has been my Calm Place for years, and as soon as I stepped in, I felt more normal. My inner thought changed to "the absolute worst that could happen is that I faint, which my family will hear and call an ambulance."

I took advantage of the normalcy I felt in the shower and did a few yoga stretches and poses (safe ones, like Mountain and Upward Salute!), and my inner thought changed to "I am a mountain, rooted safely in the ground," which sounds ridiculous to someone who isn't feeling like they're about to die, aka me right now, but me back then really needed that.

I turned off the shower and immediately lost the sense of normalcy, I went out to sit with my family and lost my rootedness. I went back to panicking, and spent probably half an hour trying to convince everyone that I was dying, before eating a few Tums (another Calming Habit) and lying down on the floor with my eyes closed while everyone politely pretended I wasn't there. Eventually I felt well enough to go home, and I promptly took a two hour nap (typical for panic - once it's over, you feel like you haven't slept for DAYS).

So, now that it's the next morning (4am what's up thanks for not letting me sleep, body), I am trying to look at the positives of what happened yesterday, because it was literally one of the worst 3 hour stretches of my entire life.  So, a list!


  • I got to practice AWARE (Accept, Watch, Act, Repeat, Expect): Once I started to accept what was happening, I was able to watch it, mostly without judgement, which eventually allowed me to act mostly normal, and expect the best outcome, which obviously did happen.  This is something I really try to practice when I have panic attacks, but I accept that I didn't do very well with this one, because it was so much worse than anything I've experienced before. 
  • I managed to remember my Calming Habits (shower, water, Tums, and sleep).  Unfortunately I didn't have any Tums in the car when we were driving (damn me and my switching of purses!), or things might have calmed down earlier.  I also learned that water isn't always a Calming Habit apparently, as it kept making me feel worse this time. 
  • Googling is apparently becoming a Calming Habit for me, as I was able to use it to a) help figure out what symptoms I was having were panic vs dehydration, and b) remember how to slow down a panic attack.  I was also able to see that at worst, I was suffering from moderate dehydration, which is solved with fluids and not hospitals. 
  • While in the worst of it, I kept saying "there's no way I can do the 5k next weekend I really WILL die." But after my nap, that changed to "I can probably still do the 5k, if I only walk and drink water the whole time."  Yeah, it'll probably take me over an hour to finish, but I'll still finish and maybe not even want to faint at the end of it. 
So far, those are the only positives I've been able to find - it was still a pretty traumatic experience.   But, I woke up this morning not feeling too thirsty, which is good, and my arms barely hurt at all, which is good, and I don't feel like death is imminent, which is REALLY good.  I'm going to have a relaxing day, maybe go to the Music and Arts festival, maybe not, and overall BE WELL. 

3 comments:

  1. I'm really, really proud of you. You took great care of yourself at an incredibly difficult time. People who don't experience these will never understand how awful it can get and how hard it can be just to breathe and remember to keep your heart beating. And look at you -- you somehow managed to do even more than that, by applying the AWARE skills (which I hadn't heard of and am stealing) and whatnot. I know it doesn't feel this way, but you really did some good stuff in the middle of that storm. Take that as a good sign that your brain and body are learning what to do even if your mind and gut haven't recognized that yet.

    You have all my love and respect and admiration. Hang in there and be kind to yourself today. <3 Also, your penguin-hating nephew can shove it.

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  2. Hahaha, I think he was just tired by the time we hit the penguins, and he's only 3, so he's a bit confused as to how glass works, so he was terrified of the big fish, and the big feathered fish (aka penguins).

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  3. Excuses, excuses. Just as I'd expect from a penguin-hating family.

    (I am still *terrified* of the teensy, maaaaybe three-room children's museum in my town because it has reptiles and I don't trust the glass. I go once a year for Groundhog Day and get the heck out of there. And I look around when I get in the car to make sure there are no...passengers.)

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