Fatass

Tonight, Brian asked me if I wanted to take a walk.  In the spirit of trying to make at least one healthy choice every day, I said yes.  (All I've had to eat today is bagels, and all I've done is watch romcoms on Netflix, so this literally was my one healthy choice for the day.)  As we walked, we determined that we'd try and find some kind of dinner before going home.

As we walked, something happened to me that, in all my years of being fat, has never, ever happened before: a van drove by, and some guys inside yelled "FATASS" at me.  It stung.  But, I tried to ignore it and not let it bother me and not completely ruin the nice time that Brian and I were having.  But of course, stupid is as stupid does, and the van swung back around for another go.  This time, it was a rousing "FAT WHORE".

At that point, I gave up and took a hard left towards home. I ended up crying basically the whole way home, while Brian walked along attempting the impossible task of making me feel better. (I very much appreciate his efforts.  He's a good husband.)  I took a shower after I got home, in an attempt to, I dunno, wash off the meanness?  So now I sit and try to process the feelings.

I hate that their hate got to me.  I hate that I no longer wanted to eat dinner after the incident, because I would have felt fat and ugly and disgusting doing so.  I hate that the rest of the way home, I jumped every time a car went past.  I hate that I don't want to take any more walks in my neighborhood because of one stupid idiot.  I want to find them and show them what my fat ass is capable of by beating the crap out of them.  (I have three brothers and grew up in a neighborhood with no girls. I could at least do a little damage.)

But most of all, I hate that so much of my self-esteem can be wiped out by a couple of words yelled out of a car.

In the end, I recognize that it wasn't me that caused those guys to yell out their window.  They would have yelled no matter what I looked like.  If I had been a person of color, it would have been a racial slur.  If I had been thin and pretty, it would have been a request to have sex with them, and then it would have been "slut" when I said no.  If I had been disabled, it would have been something else.  If I had been with a woman, it would have been "gay".  They wanted to yell, and I was just a target.

But it still hurts.

Becoming that which I hate

There has never been an image that more accurately describes me than this one. I am completely unable to handle someone saying or doing something stupid on the internet.  This includes advocating the Republican agenda, being racist, being sexist, being classist, or being any other kind of ist really.   

My husband is so good at rolling his eyes and not rocking the boat, and I think it frustrates him that I can't.  I have to respond to the post where someone said that Obamacare caused Bengazi to make Treyvon Martin have an abortion or whatever it is, and I'll get into real fights with people over things.  

I need to get better at it.  But my problem is that when people post things like this, other people read them, and believe them, and it propagates something that's either untrue or harmful to a group of people.  I try really really hard to only post comments when something is actually false, because I don't like it when Literally Unbelievable gets played out in real life.  Those idiotic false statements translate into votes, votes that take away rights.  I can't let that go.  

But what about the other things, the things that are someone's opinion?  If they post an opinion that abhorrent, how do I learn to scroll past it and not let them know that they are a terrible person have terrible beliefs? (Seriously, why would you post any status that includes the phrase "white panther party"?)  I can just unfriend them, but then I end up with a group of Facebook friends that just agree with me, and I like having my beliefs challenged every once in awhile.

So seriously, how do I do it?  I'm tired of being angry and sad all the time.