Babies

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the act of child-rearing.  I'm starting to come to accept that if I have a child, it will be intentionally.  I'm just not going to be able to fall into it by accident.  I'm going to have to make the decision to take medicine and then be in close proximity to my husband, or I'm going to have to fill out paperwork to procure an existing child from somewhere in the world.

I've never been the girl who wants children, which I think makes this realization hard to accept.  I always thought, "Well, if it happens I'll do it but if it doesn't, I guess I just won't."  There have been years where I've been all "I should get my tubes tied.  There is no way."  There are still days when I feel that way.  Those days really only started to come less frequently when my nephew was born and my ovaries were all "LOOK AT THE BAAAAABYYYYYYY!!!"

So basically, I'm still on the fence, and I know that I'm going to actually have to hop off of it - I can't be pushed off by a sudden unexpected invasion of my uterus.  (Thanks a lot for not working, ovaries.)  This is terrifying. 

So I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for that leap, should I decide to make it.  And in that, I've been thinking about the various parts of having a child.  I spent a week or two thinking about bodily fluids, and how I totally puke when other people (or my cats) do, and how the smell of poo makes me gag horribly, and remembered that one time when the cat sharted on my chest while he was sleeping.  I spent another week pondering the concept of being pregnant, and how that would completely break my brain because I'm such a huge hypochondriac.

So this week, I'm on teaching, and its scarier even than sharting.  I've been trying in the past year or so to really open up my mind and expand my horizons and just generally be a better person to those around me and those I don't know. I feel like it's working?  I feel a lot more compassion and love than I used to.  But it's really bringing out the terror of trying to pass this openness on to someone else. 

How do you teach a child that they own their own person and no one can touch it without their permission, but then justify the kinds of touching that parents must do whether the child likes it or not (like bathing)?  How do you teach a girl to own her sexuality and express that in a way that she is comfortable with, but limit it in an age-appropriate way that doesn't teach her to be ashamed of herself and that boys can do what they want but she can't? How do you neutralize gendered toys in a way that doesn't accidentally push your kid too far the other direction?  How do you teach a child to be open and accepting of all religions and cultures without accidentally appropriating a culture that you're not a part of? And further, how do you teach a young person to be open and accepting of all people, regardless of what they look like, how they believe, and what they do, while still teaching them to stand up against people who believe in limiting the rights of others? Especially when some of those people are in their own extended family?

These are the ridiculous things that go through my head when I think about this.  I almost envy the people who can get unexpectedly pregnant.  It's hard to choose to have a child when there's so much that could go wrong, that will go wrong.  So much responsibility.  How do I decide to do that? 

You are not the center of the universe.

Normally I'm not telling anyone anything of any real importance, but when I actually am saying something that you'll need to know, pay attention for cripe's sake.

I'm complaining about my job here.  Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Human Resources, and I really like where I work. (Although, would it kill someone to give me a real desk and not a small temporary one? It's been a year and a half.)  But I'm starting to feel the frustration and annoyance that comes with people not paying attention when I'm giving them information that's relevant to them.

There are two new hires that I did orientation for a while back.   Now, our orientations are no big thing.  Literally it's me sitting at a desk going over some packets with them, having them fill out some paperwork, set up their email address, and send them on their way.  But for my employees at the farther away stores, I'm sometimes driving almost an hour to do this little spiel for them on their first day, not to mention the fifteen minutes I spend standing in front of the copier making ONE of these stupid packets for them. (Fifteen minutes isn't a long time, but when you're making 20 packets at a time...)

So both of these guys, they were in sales.  Automotive sales, if that gives you any indication of how lovely they are to be around.  (Side note: I genuinely love a lot of my sales guys, but seriously, you have to have a certain personality to be in car sales, and there are extremes to every personality.  These guys are that extreme.)  I did these two orientations months apart, but I'm conflating them for ease of story.  The one spends most of the orientation leaning back in his chair, staring at the ceiling.  His chair isn't even facing the desk, it's parallel to it.  I wanted to freaking reach over and knock him over.  I told him to type something as part of an account I was setting up for him, and he reached over and punched some keys without looking at the screen.  "Nope, try again, YOU DIDN'T EVEN TYPE ANYTHING."

The other guy spent the entire time either staring at me like I was a moron or looking behind him at the sales floor like a dragon was going to fly out of a Cruze and start destroying things.  I seriously sometimes still wonder if he was on drugs or something.  As soon as I said I was done, he bolted out of the chair and disappeared.  I mean seriously, right?

Anyway, the point is that these two represent one of the Things I Hate Most About HR.  I was telling these guys when their checks would start being direct deposited, when they'd be eligible for insurance, HOW MUCH MONEY THEY'D BE MAKING, etc.  Shit that directly affects them.  (I mean, how can you not pay attention to how much your paycheck is and whether or not it's going to be live?)  They weren't even listening.  I know this because one shredded his first check because he's fucking stupid and didn't listen when I said he would get a live check for two pay cycles, causing me to have to cut him another one.  The other one missed two mandatory insurance meetings and took a month to get his paperwork back to me.

So they're dumb, and they cause me a lot of extra work.  Whatever, I'll get over it.  What I seem to be having trouble getting over (and what was originally the point of this) is that THEY DON'T CARE.  It drives me absolutely bonkers when people aren't cognizant of the problems they create for those around them.

- You start a new job, then leave a week later for a different one?  You just wasted over an hour of my time.  You decide to come back a week later because that dealership sucks?  FUCK YOU Oh wait here I'll set you back up ANOTHER HOUR GONE.

- You're trying to find a particular coupon while at the grocery store, and you're not really paying attention and you stop in the middle of an aisle?  I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU TRYING TO GET SOME DAMN PEANUT BUTTER THESE AISLES ARE NARROW THANKS.

- You realize you need to turn left and not right?  Oh sure just stop your car while you wait for someone to let you cut across four lanes of traffic. No one behind you needs to go anywhere anyway.

It's just...I don't even know any more.  This became some long weird rant and I've lost the point, except that people piss me off and it pisses me off that they don't know I'm pissed off and I can't tell them I'm pissed off because damn it I try to be polite.

o/~ A long time ago, we used to be friends o/~

I read a book this morning (yes, I know, don't judge me) about how the little decisions you make can change your future and make it so that you marry some guy and not your best friend who lives next door, and then I remembered Daniel, the tall African boy who used to live next door to me, and I wonder what decisions I could have made that would make us be married right now, and what that would be like.  He was so tall!  I wish I could remember what country he was from.  BUT SPEAKING OF FRIENDS...

I've been listening to this song a lot more lately since the Veronica Mars soundtrack found its way back into my regular rotation (movie! yes! win!) and it makes me think about the people I'm not friends with anymore. Most of those I no longer speak with have just faded away, but some I don't talk to because of something one of us did (or in some cases, something I did that they chose to react a particular way about, which lead to a breaking of ties).  There are a few of the latter that I truly miss (seriously, why wouldn't you have just talked to me about it and then trusted me?) but mostly it's the Faders that I miss and wish I could get back.

But getting them back isn't easy, at least not when you're me. There's one person in particular that I'm Facebook friends with, and every time she updates something I want to message her and be like "let's hang out! Our lives could be similar and interesting together!" But then I remember that we haven't spoken in Jesus even knows how long, and that would be so awkward.  Mainly because I'm super awkward?

But I mean, how do you go to someone and be like "I would like to insert myself into your life please let's do this" without sounding like a creeper?  I had decided last year to make more friends (or renew old ties with), especially more girl friends, and I've increased my count by....two...in that time.  Two isn't bad!  Especially for me.  But I'm not good at maintaining that, so I end up floundering around feeling dumb all the time.

So basically, if you're reading this, LET'S BE FRIENDS!

Starting Fresh

I've been wanting to get back to writing daily(...ish)  about my life, not that it's interesting at all, but because sometimes I feel like I just think too much, and if I don't drain some of those thoughts out, my brain might drown in them. A certain someone yelling at me all the time about it finally gave me the push to start or something.

I have my LiveJournal that I've had since 2002, and I could (and sometimes do) use that, but I feel like there's just too much history over there. My poor little LJ has seen me through my Young Republican phase, my LJ Support phase, my fandom phase (wait, that one is still going on), and all the other phases of me growing up.  It's where I decided to break up with Brian, get back together with Brian, where I worked for LJ, where I quit LJ, and where I've put all the feelings that I've had that I didn't want other people to see, or I only wanted some people to see, or I wanted everyone I didn't know to see.  It's just too much, and I have to step away with it because I'm not that person anymore.

Or rather, I'm not entirely that person.  The Bethany from LJ spends all her time on the internet, and Bethany 2.0 does too, but...differently.  I can't put a pin exactly on what's different, but something is.  I'm just more real-life focused now, more zoomed in on the people and places I see everyday, and building and maintaining my relationships with them.  But I'll always be a little bit LJ Bethany, and I'll always love all my LJ friends and who they are and what they did to me, and there's no way I ever would have moved out of my Young Republican phase if it weren't for them. I'm forever grateful, believe me.

So what am I going to do with this thing?  Who knows.  Here's a picture of a cat.