What a slow process.

July 24th, 2013 was the day that I decided to explore Judaism for serious.  (As opposed to my previous explorations, which were at best half-hearted and mostly revolved around trying to figure out if I should find a nice Jewish boy to marry and also if Brian was secretly Jewish because I mean seriously have you seen him?)

It's now 8 months later, and I'm finally almost ready to START converting.  The last 8 months have been a process of deciding if I want to convert, spending some time immersing myself in Judaism, and studying history, lifestyle, and law, and generally waffling back and forth over whether or not I should.  Now, I've just sent off an email to my rabbi's assistant, indicating that I'd like to meet with him and actually begin.  If he lets me, which honestly I'm still not sure he will, this process will take probably another year.

I hadn't been to services in a month, and somehow along with that I hadn't done anything Jewish - no books, no candles, no Shabbat dinner, nothing, and I felt bland.  But then I went to services on Friday night and sang along and amazed myself by knowing the words to Lecha Dodi.  I got home and discovered a package from my also-converting friend Jamie with a hand-crocheted kippah in it. Today I went to the Kosher Kroger for the first time, and I just felt happy.  I wanted to try all the things and buy all the things and make a kosher dinner.   I just feel...energized now.

There was a big crowd at services on Friday - Bar Mitzvah AND a Bat Mitzvah - and I sat next to an older lady, Marilyn, that I've sat with before.  She comes with her mother, who cracks me up, because she starts making fun of the "ch" sound whenever things get "too Hebrew", as she puts it.  Her daughter gives her a stern look and she always goes "I'm just clearing my throat."  I want to be BFFs with this 80+ year old woman, guys.  Marilyn invited me to a Women's Intergenerational seder next week, which I'm excited for.  I want to meet more people, and this seems like a good way to do so.

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On a related but different note, there's something else that's been weighing on my mind.  Over the past 8 months, as I've been studying, I've started to recognize the huge gap between Judaism and Christianity.  Prior to this, I've always felt like Christianity was just an extension of Judiasm - taking the original religion and expanding it, dropping some things and picking up others - much like the difference between Mormons and Catholics. Obviously that was just terribly wrong, and I'm kind of relived that I finally recognize that.  Christianity, the religion I was raised with, feels completely alien to me now. (Don't get me started on how odd the concept of Jesus is to me.)  The concept of original sin, and the requirement of "salvation"...those are things I never have to worry about or even think about again.

I have this tiny book - Why Be Jewish - and there was a passage in it that keeps sticking with me:

Judaism sees human beings as the measure of all things.  We have mixed within us the varied and contradictory characteristics of all creation.  Judaism does not look on human beings as essentially sinful.  Original sin, the view of classical Christianity since Paul and Augustine, eems to condemn us to lose the game before we begin.  In this view, all human beings are born sinners, and only unearned grace can save them.  In the Jewish tradition, each of us writes his or her own personal moral slate.  We do not begin life with an unpayable debt.  At each moment we make a moral choice.  Our lives are the sum of our actions, tempered by our intention, limited by our endowments, ennobled by our faith. 

 This is such a relief.  To not have to live under the burden of thinking that you're doomed to be this horrible terrible person without religion....it's so freeing.  It's such a realistic and positive view of life - I'm never going back.

I'm going to go read now, I think.  I've got a backlog of Judaism books and I really want to catch up. Gots to capitalize on this energy while I've got it.

Hobbies

Several years ago, I realized that I didn't have any hobbies.  Whenever I came across the "what do you do in your spare time" question, I was stumped.  I mean, I had things that I did when I wasn't at work and/or sleeping, but they were exclusively "spend time on the internet" and "watch TV".  Those are not really hobbies.  I was envious of people with proper hobbies - Brian spent his time repairing electronic things and making his arcade video game system thing, but I couldn't really find a similar way to occupy my time.

I started to look around at my friends, and I realized that what I was really jealous of was their ability to create.  I have some amazingly talented friends, people who take beautiful pictures, make fantastic string art, freaking write plays...they all had something that they made that was separate from them and would last long after they were gone.  That's what I wanted.

So I decided to create, and in doing so I found some hobbies.

My first step was to narrow down what I had at least some ability to do.  I can't draw stick-figures, all of my photographs come out blurry and off-center, and any story that I try to write, well, also comes out blurry and off-center.  Then I remembered that my mother actually taught me useful things when I was a kid.  She never taught me how to do make-up, style my hair, or carry on a normal conversation, but she did teach me how to use a sewing machine, how to cross-stitch, and how to crochet a little.

So I started with buying a sewing machine for my birthday.  Eager to show Brian that I hadn't just wasted several hundred dollars, I promptly made a couple of messenger bags and a hilariously too-big pair of PJ pants.  At that point I remembered that I am terrible with patterns (although I do love the messenger bags), and despaired that I actually HAD wasted several hundred dollars.  I started futzing around with my leftover fabric, and I accidentally made a quilt block.   Then I accidentally made a whole quilt top.

I guess I quilt now.  That's a hobby, right?  I'm not good at it, and I haven't actually finished a quilt yet (that top is still waiting to be batted, backed, and bound), but I have blocks from two other quilts going now, so it is officially a hobby!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE:

After my success with the quilt top, I decided to venture away from the machine and remember how to cross-stitch.  My first project was a complete success, and I still love looking at it each day when I come home.  I just finished my second project, and I haven't quite decided what to do with it yet.  I have a third, fourth, and fifth pattern in the queue, so cross-stitching is officially a second hobby!

BUT STILL MORE?

After my success at cross-stitching, I decided to go into other thread-related arenas.  I started embroidering a challah cover (still not done).  I knitted a scarf (just finished).  I just learned last night how to crochet in the round, and we'll see how that goes.   SO MANY THINGS.  I'm not sure if any of these will become official hobbies or not, but these are still things that I've created and can use in my life and in my house, and I feel so good about them, wobbly worksmanship or not.

The best part of this though, is that when I come across the "what do you do in your spare time" question, I finally have an answer.

The 614th Mitzvah

Sometimes in my reading and watching and all the learning that I have to do, the weight of the history of the Jewish people feels like it's too much to take on.  Last night I read about the Shoah and it really clicked how many Jews were actually killed.  For Germany to go from 3,300,000 Jews to 300,000...you hear 6 million tossed around and yes, it's a lot but there are 7 billion people in the world, so 6 million doesn't seem so many...and then you realize there are only maybe 13, 14 million Jews alive today, and suddenly you realize that 6 million is an entire third of that.  90% of Poland's Jews were exterminated.

It's just so many.  It's so heavy.  We watched The Pianist and it just felt like my soul was breaking.

Each day it seems my eyes are opened a little bit more, like I can see through a crack in a door to another world wherein most of the Jews of the world WEREN'T killed.  What would a world be like?

More feelings

Well, I went to services again last Friday, and they were fairly similar to the week before.  The makeup of the crowd was similar, although there were a couple of younger people floating around.  I still liked it, maybe more so because instead of a choir, there was a cantor, and it was easier to understand what she was singing. Plus this time she sang Shalom Aleichem which is basically the only one I can sing along with properly, so I felt included.

I've bought so many books recently that I feel like I need to do an inventory, because seriously it's getting kind of ridiculous.  Maybe I should use Goodreads or something.  Currently I'm reading this one, and I'm enjoying it, I think because so far it's mostly a history book and I do love me some history.

I've got to get back to trying to read Hebrew, because I feel like I'll never be able to immerse myself properly until I can understand what's written in front of me.  But I am le tired.  So there's that.

That's all I've got.  Another book just arrived and I've got to investigate.

Homework

Sorry it's been pretty silent on the homefront - my life has been fairly dull.

Well, I finally met with Rabbi Misha about properly beginning the conversion process.  He was quite hesitant, which...I'm not sure I was expecting.  He was very serious and very blunt with me about not wanting to waste his time with someone who converts and then disappears, and seemed to be most concerned about the fact that all of my close friends are evangelical Christians and I'm not friends with any Jewish people.  I think worried that I'll be a Messianic Jew or something like that, which...no thanks.

He said he wouldn't see me again until I've gone to four services and read at least one of the two books he recommended to me.  I bought three books on Amazon (take THAT you doubting Rabbi you!), and on Friday night, I went to services for the first time.  He told me to write down how I felt about it so that I remember, and I'm just now getting to it.

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel.  The services themselves were fine - lots of singing and standing and sitting. and I was interested in what was going on the whole way through.  There was no Torah reading since it was Erev Shabbat, and I'm finding myself interested in how Saturday services are different. (No one goes to those though.  If I do go, it won't be until I feel solidly on my feet at Erev Shabbat.)  I was concerned about the age of the congregation - with the exception of the nice girl who sat next to me and helped me through, they were all extremely aged.  Emiy (the nice girl) mentioned something about a children's something going on in another room, but I'm not sure if that means all of their parents were there too, or if all of these children were being raised by their grandparents.

The congregation was also smaller than I expected.  I suppose having been raised in a mega-church, my concept of "normal" is a bit off, but there were definitely less than a hundred people there, maybe less than fifty. To be honest, that made me a little angry about the Rabbi's hesitation with me - dude needs all the congregants he can get.  (But then I realize that time spent with me is time not spent with trying to get all his current Jews into seats and engaged.)

As far as any spiritual feelings...I honestly can't say I had any real stirrings.  I enjoyed the service, and I didn't feel embarrassed to try and sing along with the prayers even though I didn't know them at all (as opposed to the way I've always felt at church, which is embarrassed all the time even though I know all the songs), and I definitely want to go again, but I wasn't moved in any particular way during it.  I'm not bothered by that though.

I do think that I'm going to go again this Friday, and then perhaps after that I'll try the other two Reform shuls in town, just to get a sense of what else there is.  He said I had to attend four services - he didn't say where.

Books

A small cut from one of the sections in Unscrolled

I'm currently reading two very good books, one which is very serious and one which is much more loose and interesting but still just as thought-provoking.

The first one was assigned for our Intro to Judaism class, and I mentioned it before - Finding God.  It is very serious but is still pretty interesting.  Basically, it takes a look at some of the great Jewish writers and philosophers - Maimonides, Buber, Philo, Fromm (who I think I'm related to!), etc - and the way they looked at God.  There's rationalist, humanist, mystic, everything in there.  It's really helping me define how I feel about God, and I wanted to write down those feelings before I forget them.  Forgive me if it gets a little awkward and/or cheesy.

God is indescribable, on purpose. God is the word on the tip of your tongue that you just can't get out.  God is that color blue that you want to paint the bathroom, but you can't find the color chip that matches what you're seeing in your head and there's no way to describe it properly.  God is the idea for a short story that you dreamt last night but can't nail down enough to put onto paper in a nonsensical way.  God the name of the song that you know you've heard before and if you could just remember enough of the lyrics you could figure it out but...no, it's gone. As soon as you try to put a picture and personality to God in your head in a way that makes logical sense, it twists and turns and you lose hold of it again. 

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The second book is new and while still serious, is very creative and interesting too.  Unscrolled: 54 Writers and Artists Wrestle with the Torah.  There are a lot of famous names in this - Josh Radnor, Damon Lindhof, Joel Stein, etc.  The way each section is done (there's one essay/drawing/photograph/whatever for each weekly section of the Torah) is just fantastic.  There's a script where Abraham is questioned by police for trying to kill his son, there are photographs of an artist's grandmother, there are prayers written by authors...it's just so interesting.  I just can't decide if I want to read the whole thing now or read a section each week along with the Torah portion.  Decisions are the worst. 

That's mostly it.  I think I really just wrote this because I feel like Alex would find both of these books to be really interesting, but really really the second one.  So you should probably read them. 

Questioning

I don't really have anything interesting to say, but I came across this article through another article and it made me feel a lot more comfortable with this possible impending acceptance of religion:

"There is a risk in being guided by conscience, but no less a risk than following the voice of “commandedness.” Martin Buber once wrote, “Moloch [an idol to which children were sacrificed] imitates the voice of God.” How can we discern the voice of God knowing that Mephi­stopheles is a ventriloquist, skillfully projecting his voice onto others? A “slippery slope” is to be preferred to being cemented in the ground. On a slope I may be able to grasp a tree or rock. But in cement, I am immobilized and subject to the threats of the wilderness."

In discussing Judaism and religion in general, this question of doing something because you are commanded to and not because you want to seems to come up again and again. This article doesn't answer the central question of "Why does God care if I do [thing that doesn't hurt anyone and makes not logical sense NOT to do, aka eat a cheeseburger or use a light switch on Saturday]," but it does make me feel better about commandments that I don't particularly think are right.

Mainly the thing I'm thinking of here is forgiveness.  From what I'm reading, the Jews don't seem to be big on turning the other cheek, and frankly, I don't blame them.  When you've been persecuted for basically your entire existence, justice seems a lot more appropriate than "okay, just don't do it again..."  I've spent my entire life trying to be more forgiving of other people's flaws, and while the prospect of fully embracing a justice-oriented existence is great, I just don't think it's the right thing for me to do.  I have to try to keep being forgiving when people are jerks.